| | Have you ever felt so empty that you would think you're just floating around not knowing where to go or what to do? I'm in that state now. Actually I've been in this state for about seven years now. I guess it's psychological. I've never really told anyone this before but my heart is just soulless - if there's such a word to coin it. How can you explain it when you always find yourself to be in the same exact situation with different people in your life - facing a brick wall. I can't. Yet, I always find myself there at a brick wall. There's just nowhere else to go. And, you can't go back. It's like you just have to wait until the brick wall is magically broken down or turned into a door leading to a new environment. I was wondering if I suffered from insomnia but a friend of mine explained to me that insomnia is when you can't sleep for days - not being unable to sleep until dawn. I find myself not being able to sleep when I want to sleep. I got to bed at 12 and I lay awake staring at the ceiling being lit by the light streaming in from the street and thinking to myself about everything that comes to my mind. The sound of cars passing by and bikes revving through as they have to slow down for a speed bump right in front of my house as my room is facing the front.
A very close friend of mine just got married a couple of months back. He's like a brother to me. I'd always crash over at his place back when we were both in college. We'd share everything we had. At that time I met this girl and she was staying five floors above from our unit. She'd invite me over and I would go over coz I had nothing better to do and my friend would be playing the playstation. Only to realise later that I was invited to be an excuse to hinder another guy that was over at her place that was actually going after her. I didn't pay much attention to the whole situation coz another girl staying there was a friend of mine from college - the "Hi" and "Bye" kind. Well, not going into details, using me as an excuse to block every other guy from courting her - she later gave me hints that she liked me. My friend moved out of her place and was only there occassionally. We hooked up and was together for about half a year. During that duration, we were inseparable - almost. We broke up because she cheated on me. I could never understand how or why that happened. I thought we had a strong bond or connection from the relationship we shared, the intimacy and all. I was dumbstruck, heartbroken, disappointed, inconsolable, miserable, grieving and empty - picture empty Coke bottle, followed by smashing it into pieces in one swift motion.
Fast forward five years and I meet a sweet-angelic-innocent-looking girl - you'd think the same thing too if you saw her, trust me. We were together for fifteen months. The reason she stopped loving me and wanted time for herself. She actually stopped loving me in our ninth month together. She explained that she'd cherish the time we spent being together and for all the things I did. She hoped that we could remain as friends. Again, I could never understand why or what happened. And again, I was dumbstruck, heartbroken, disappointed, inconsolable, miserable, grieving and most of all, empty - again. (picture pieces of Coke bottle glued together looking almost, just almost, like a perfect brand new Coke bottle, but with cracks all over followed by smashing it into pieces, again, in one swift motion but it doesn't break at that instant because it's special super glue, and followed by a second swift motion which successfully sends bits and pieces of glass flying aimlessly and scattered everywhere)
Once bitten, twice shy?
Present day, I am alone. Sitting here. Thinking back. Writing this. Tired. Sleepless. Wide awake. My friend doesn't know this. He's too busy with work and his new new bride. He has his own life to worry about. |
| | Posted 5/3/2008 10:41 AM - 67 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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